Her Goodbye
by RainaParker
Summary: AU Takes place one year after Revelations JJ has to come to terms with what has happened.Keep reading this is not what it seems!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer-I do not own Criminal Minds**

**Warning- This story is about the death of a main character. Sorry**

JJ stood looking at the black headstone with tears running down her face. None of the others would ever understand just how much she blamed herself for his downfall.

Hotch would tell her that there was nothing any of them could have done while silently knowing that if he had known he would have forced Reid into treatment.

Emily would smile and try her best to reassure JJ that this was not her fault. JJ would know that deep down Emily blamed her for not saying anything about Reid's "problem."

Morgan was still far too angry at Reid to even consider talking to him. He would most likely say that Reid didn't deserve her grief, that her sadness was wasted on Spencer Reid.

Gideon would only blame himself. In his mind his leaving had played a role in the geniuses' fall. JJ spoke to him at the funeral and quickly realized that to Gideon Reid had been like a second son, perhaps more than that and his grief wasn't comparable to her own. But she also knew from the way he had looked at her that day that he knew that her grief was that of a lover. The others would never know that.

Rossi would try to rationalize Reid's death for them all. He was not as close and the distance allowed him much more perspective than the others could ever gain.

Garcia would hold JJ while she cried. Garcia for once would not joke or try to make any of this right because she knew it never would be again.

As a slight wind blew though the cemetery JJ reread the words carved into the stone and her heart and began speaking to the only person she was sure would not ever hear her again.

"I wish you were still here; that I could still call you on bad days. Some days I wish that I had been with you that night regardless of the outcome. I wish that we hadn't been fighting when you left. I wish that we had been able to see eye to eye. I wish to be honest that you had been able to stop taking the drugs and see what I saw. I wish that you were still here.

At some point I have to stop missing you. I have to stop pleading with god to allow one more moment. I have to accept the fact that I am here and you are not. That is the hardest part you know. How am I still here and you are not?

I wish that I could remember the good times without feeling completely empty, except for this pain in my chest. Sometimes it hurts so badly that I bite the inside of my mouth to make it stop. I know you would say that that is completely fucked and I know that it is.

I'm still very angry for everything that happened in the last six months of your life. I know that it was your life to live but I wonder if you know what your death did to those of us who loved you.

After your death I learned very quickly how not to feel. I learned how not to show people the pain that I couldn't ignore. I learned to cry at night when no one was around. I learned that this pain will probably never go away. You were the person that I showed the real me to.

So now I spend a great deal of my time avoiding being alone. Because it is possible for a few minutes to forget how lonely I am when I am not alone. But eventually everyone goes away and I once again am very aware of your absence. And for that I blame you.

I miss you so much it hurts. I literally feel your lose in the pit of my stomach and in my chest there is a tightness, that I only feel when you are on my mind which is often."

Tears were pouring down JJ's face when she heard the car pull up on the narrow cemetery road. As it slowed to a stop she realized that the rest of her team was arriving.

As Morgan put his arms around her and Emily placed some flowers on Reid's grave JJ realized that it was somehow comforting to know that even after everything that had happened they still remembered Spence's birthday. She was not the only one who still cried for Spencer Reid.


	2. Chapter 2

Trying to pretend that everything is okay when your world is falling apart is not an easy thing to do and as she stood in the cemetery wrapped in Morgan's strong arms JJ knew that it would not be long before the entire team knew that she was very much not okay.

It had been two months since Reid had gone. That night replayed in her mind over and over and she prayed that at some point she would be able to forget the last words he had said. But more importantly she prayed that she would be able to forgive herself for the last thing she had said in return.

_"Spence don't you dare walk out that door." The anger was al JJ could hear in her own voice but she knew that it was not anger it was fear. _

_"You really expect me to stay here with you?" The look in his eyes was one that she had never seen before and for an instant as his venomous words echoed in her ears JJ feared him. _

_"Spence don't do this, please just stay." She sounded like a little girl in her begging but she had stopped caring._

_"Don't." His hair was to long by FBI standards and JJ wondered why this had been allowed. Wondered if it was because Hotch was cutting him slack because Gideon had left or because he was __too__ preoccupied with the fact that Haley had left to notice._

_"Spence you're too high to leave." The words flew from JJ's mouth before she could stop them._

_"Fuck you JJ!"__ H__is eyes were red and __dilated and the tears that were forming had started to trickle down his cheeks as he slammed her door._

_Opening her door JJ watched for a moment as he walked towards his car the pain of his words beat with her heart and she could feel it with every breath as she stood on her doorstep._

_"Hey Reid what do you think the team will think when they find out you're an addict?" She wanted to hurt him, wanted him to feel how she had felt. She wanted him to feel lost and alone and without any hope that things would be better. _

"Shhh." Morgan rocked her back and forth as the rest of the team walked across the cemetery to meet them at their youngest grave. Looking up his eyes met Hotch's who looked on with concern over what was beginning to be an unreasonable outburst from JJ.

Emily stepped away from the others as Garcia arrived walking over to meet the analyst.

"Hey, is she alright?" Concern was written on Garcia's face.

"Honestly, I'm not sure she was crying when we got her and as soon as Morgan hugged her she got hysterical." Prentiss gave Garcia one of her half smiles that said I don't know what to do here.

Walking over to where Hotch and Rossi stood by Morgan who at this point was holding JJ up Garcia and Prentiss heard JJ rambling and not making very much sense at all.

"I tried so hard so damn hard and nothing I could do- I should have told someone- God I wish I had told one of you. Please god don't hate me this is all my fault I let him go we split up and that was my fault too." JJ sobbed into Morgan's chest as Hotch walked forward and put his hand on her back wishing Gideon were there to calm their usually stoic liaison.

"JJ girl you gotta calm down." Morgan softly whispered in her ear.

"Calm down you don't even know!" JJ screamed as she pulled away from Morgan and fell onto Reid's grave where Garcia knelt beside her.

"Know what?" Rossi asked looking down at a shaking JJ.

"He was with me I let him leave. I let him drive. He was so high and I said horrible things to him, and he left and oh god this is all my fault." JJ whispered as she got to her feet and walked away from a stunned group. She made her way to a garbage can used for old floral arrangements and JJ threw up.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN Thank you all for reading the first 2 chapters. This is the last one for tonight, I'll try to update tomorrow. Please don't hate JJ she will get nicer. Also PLEASE reviewthis is my first fic and I need the feedback. If you don't reveiw I may not continue, not out of spite but because I don't review stories that I don't like so I will assume that you have read and disliked. Even if you don't like it let me know maybe I can make it into something you would enjoy more. Thanks Raina**

JJ walked in to the bullpen the next day fully aware that all eyes were on her. She thought of what Spence would have thought of her cemetery breakdown and started to laugh. She could picture the curious look on his face her Spence, before the drugs the Spence that she had fallen in love with before Georgia had robbed them of a future. As she walked passed his now empty desk she laughed harder becoming more and more aware of her concerned coworkers and their suspicion that JJ was losing her mind.

_First I completely lose it in the cemetery and now I'm laughing at your empty desk Spence. _The laughter was harder now and JJ was close to being hysterical again in a very different way. The more she tried to compose herself the more she laughed until she had safely made it into her office.

The knock on the door startled her back to reality and away from her moment with him. "Come in." JJ looked at the door apprehensively.

"JJ, we need to talk." Hotch looked at her with a concern that she had only seen directed at Elle and of course at Reid. She knew this was coming after her outburst at the cemetery and this morning had only compounded his worry.

"I know sir." She looked at him with relief in her eyes knowing that he was too good of a profiler to not see her pain when he really looked at her.

"Are you alright JJ? Yesterday you seemed pretty shaken. Today well I'm not sure what that was but people notice when agents laugh at each other's desks." He wanted to say dead agent's desks but knew from the day before that she needed no reminder that he was dead.

"I'm good Hotch." Her reply was simple and she knew not adequate to him, but the reality of her boss sitting in her office questioning her stability was sinking in for her.

"JJ, I'm recommending a psych evaluation." It was a simple statement that was meant to be as blunt as it sounded.

"If that's what you feel is best, then that's the way it will be sir." JJ looked at the floor knowing that this was most likely one of her last days at the BAU. The FBI frowned upon interoffice romance between field agents especially those on the same team.

"I'll set it up." He stood and walked out speculating why she hadn't argued more.

JJ turned and began to gather her personal effects wondering where she could get some boxes when Morgan knocked on her door.

"Hey, you going somewhere?" Leaning against her doorframe his eyebrows raised.

"I think so Morgan. Hotch is ordering a psych eval and well that's about the end of my career here." She looked at him sadly and knew that she would have to explain everything to her team before she left.

"Don't you think you may just be over reacting a bit here?" he silently prayed that she was, while realizing that if he wasn't careful this praying thing might just stick.

"Well no Morgan," she walked out of her office and into the conference room in search of boxes. "I really don't." She was almost yelling.

Garcia, Prentiss, Rossi, and Hotch looked up as they walked into the room. JJ immediately went looking in the closet for boxes to pack her things.

"JJ? What are you doing and huh what are you two arguing about?" Garcia asked as the others watched the fight between them unfolding.

"You wanna know what she's doing? She's looking for boxes to pack her office cause Hotch ordered a psych eval that is obviously needed!" Morgan hadn't meant it to be as mean as it was but couldn't help himself.

Spinning on her heel JJ whipped around to face Morgan at which point Hotch, Emily, and Rossi stood and stepped forward between the two.

"You know nothing about what I'm doing Morgan. So fuck you" JJ's words threw her back to the last fight she had with Reid and in her anger at him, she was lashing out at the only person angry enough to fight back, Morgan.

"Knock it off both of you!" Hotch was even more stern than usual if that was possible. "Morgan go sit down. JJ what are you doing?"

"Packing." JJ had lost her fight and had said it quietly. Hotch thought immediately of Elle.

"JJ people react when they lose someone. You will not lose your job because you are in pain. Your friend died after a very traumatic work related incident that you were involved in, if you weren't reacting in some way then it would be a cause for concern." Emily stepped closer to JJ sensing her pain. Reaching out her hand she took JJ's. JJ knew that Emily was simply trying to help to defuse the situation.

"And how would they feel about the fact that I knew he had a drug problem and said nothing?" JJ spit the words toward Emily while pulling her hand away.

Spinning toward Rossi she said "Or that I watched him shoot up during a case?"

Looking at Garcia she said "How about the fact that I lied to cover for him? Not only did I know but I covered it up to what about that?"

Turning to Hotch she coldly said "Or how about the fact that I was sleeping with him? Remind me Hotch does the bureau have a policy about such things?"

Glaring at Morgan she said "Yup that's right Morgan he never told you his _big brother._ You think that might be cause you mocked him constantly?" She wanted him to hurt like she did just like she had wanted Reid to and in that moment she realized that no matter who else she made hurt she still would.

Falling to the floor JJ sobbed as the rest of the team looked on at the broken young woman they had thought they knew so well.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN Hey everyone sorry but this may be the only update today, I have 2 research papers to write today. I hope you all like the story so far. I would like to thank Tearbos, Irinaj, and LadyBrilliana for their kind words. I love reviews and will update faster when I know people are waiting for more, even if my research papers are due tomorrow.**

_"JJ, you have to stop doing this." His smile was sad and in a way heartbreaking to look at but she couldn't look away. "People will start to think you're the one on drugs."_

_"Reid, I just miss you so much I can't do this. I can't be here when you are not. Knowing that this is my fault, it kills me more each day." Silent tears ran down her face._

_"No. JJ this is not your fault. Please JJ let me take credit for this. I chose to split up that night with Tobias. I chose not to tell Hotch or Gi__deon or anyone else about the Di__l__au__did__." He looked at her with the pleading eyes who wanted candy._

_"You told me and I didn't do anything Spence." Her words begged for forgiveness that only he could give._

_"JJ you have to stop. You love it here and they will make you leave if keep doing this.__I can't stand the idea of you not still helping. The families they need you JJ. Please don't take yourself away from them."_

_"And what about me Spence you took yourself away from me." There was no anger in her voice, emptiness and pain had filled the void where the anger had once lived._

_"But I never meant to JJ you, you were the best thing that ever happened to me and if I could I would be by your side always but I can only watch over you now." Tears ran down his face as he looked down at her._

_"I want to be with you. Take me with you Spence." Everything in her wanted to go with him, to leave this place, this pain and be wrapped in his arms forever. _

_"__I can't__ JJ." He wanted to she could tell by the __crack of his voice._

_"I miss you so much Spence. I don't know how to be me without you." She whispered this as if trying to keep it from herself._

_"You will. You are the woman that you have always been JJ you're just a little lost right now. Please JJ I'm begging you please don't follow down the path that I took; it was the wrong way to go." He turned as if to leave._

_"Please Spence don't go I'm not ready to say goodbye please don't leave Spence__ Spence__- Spencer- Spencer Reid. Reid!"_

JJ woke with a start sitting up quickly. Looking around she realized that she was still at the BAU. She had been sleeping on the couch in Hotch's office. The dream drifted into her mind and she prayed that the team had not heard her pleading with Reid to take her. She prayed that they did not know that she wanted to die.

The knock on her door told her that not only had they heard but they also wanted to talk about it.

"Yeah, come in." JJ said while pulling her knotted hair back into a ponytail.

"It's odd to knock on my own door." Hotch stood there looking down at her with sadness written all over his face. "How are you?"

"That's a loaded question Hotch. Not good." The truth was all she had energy for now.

"I figured. "

"How long was I asleep?" Looking out the now open door she realized the office seemed empty.

"Eight hours." He looked at her sadly as he handed her a cup of coffee.

"That's the longest I've slept in two months Hotch." He nodded at her as if he was saying they all knew she had not been sleeping very much.

"Look JJ I think that you should know. . ." they were interrupted by a knock at the door. Hotch stood walking to the door, he opened it just a crack to see who was on the other side.

"Sir, Gideon is here. Morgan went down to the security office to bring him up. Emily went to get some pizza and Rossi went to get some Chinese. We didn't know what she would want when she woke up." Garcia said all of this without taking a breath.

"Thank you Garcia." He shut the door and turned to JJ.

"Gideon?" sat up more now than she had been before.

"I called him. I didn't know what to do, what to say. I can't lose another team member JJ and if that means calling in the ones who have already left then so be it." His face was once again stern and determined and JJ wanted to hug him for being so protective of her. For being the oldest big brother in their family who knew enough to get dad when things were truly bad.

"Thank you Hotch." To him she resembled the little girl from the shopping mall so scared and sad that he had to look away from her. He had to get away from her for a moment and stepped into the hall.

Leaving the elevator at the same time were Morgan and Gideon. Both men wore masks to hide their fear as Hotch approached.

"How is she Aaron?" Gideon shifted from one foot to the other just slightly in his nervousness.

"She's broken Jason." Hotch looked at the floor in a way that reminded Morgan of Reid. The thought of Reid forcing him to swallow hard, swallow the anger and pain.

"Then let's go fix her." Gideon smiled and in that instant everything at the BAU seemed right again.

**AN please remember to review**


	5. Chapter 5

"They called Gideon. God Spence it must be worse than I thought. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I should stop talking to you at least out loud." JJ looked around the room wondering if Hotch had room for another book on his shelves when the door opened.

"JJ how are you?" He asked it even though he knew the answer. She knew he wanted to hear it from her.

"Gideon," she stood and walked across the room to him. "I don't know how to do this."

"Do what JJ?"

"Not be okay. I don't know how to do this, how do I exist when he doesn't. How do I wake up every morning and come here and smile for the camera and tell parents that their children will be fine. How do I look at the victims and tell them it's over when I know it isn't and that they still may not survive and if they do they may wish they hadn't. How do I do this Gideon?"

"I don't know." He was looking in her eyes but JJ could see that he was looking through her to all the people he couldn't save. Why Hotch had called him, as grateful as she was that he did, was a mystery to JJ.

"Did you know Spen…Reid kept a Journal?" She knew Gideon would notice her calling him by his first name, her discomfort with anyone knowing that she rarely called him Reid when he was still alive. Most of all he would see that she wanted to change the subject just slightly that talking about this with him would be pointless.

"No I'm surprised that he never told me but…then again I guess there is a lot Spencer didn't tell me about his personal life." There was sadness in his eyes and she could tell that Hotch had told him that she and Reid were more than teammates.

"I have it. He kept your letter in it. He would want you to have that I think and he wrote about you Gideon you should see what he wrote." She smiled weakly as she stood and walked to the door.

Rossi, Emily, Hotch, Garcia and Morgan looked up when she opened the door. They looked at her as if they were unsure of who she was anymore and she realized they were not the only ones.

"Morgan I …" She looked at the floor wondering if Reid had ever looked at this exact spot of the BAU and in her silence Morgan walked up the steps to her wrapping his strong arms around her as he had done the day before.

"JJ we all loved him. We just didn't know how much_ you_ loved him." Morgan stepped back and JJ continued walking to her office closing the door behind her.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Garcia asked as the door closed.

"Of course, Mama she has to be."

"She'll be fine as long as we make sure she is." Hotch looked up as he said it.

"It is not any of our faults that Reid died." Gideon did not take his eyes away from Hotch as he said it knowing that the young supervisory agent was doubtful of his ability to lead this team.

"How the hell did we not see that they were together?" Emily spoke for the first time in an hour.

"How did we not see a lot of things?" Morgan ran his hands over his head.

"Because Morgan we do not profile each other." Rossi's voice was that of reason.

In her office JJ watched the video obtained of the Georgia incident. The video was of Spencer being tortured, with his pained image flashing across her computer screen. After watching it hundreds of times she no longer saw it as his end, to her it was one of the last times he had really been Reid. Even seeing him beaten and breaking was better than not at all or seeing him in her mind where he was always broken.

"JJ, you okay?"

"Yeah, Emily, I'll be right out." JJ said glancing down to the blinking light on her phone that indicated messages to be heard. In her line of work JJ knew that these messages would contain the pain and suffering of the latest case. She picked up the phone anyway.

"Yes, Agent Jareau this is Sheriff." JJ stopped the message moving on to the next this could wait she prayed.

"Agent Jareau My name is Chief Williams of the Rockford police department I faxed you" Again she moved to the next message.

"Jennifer it's your aunt please call me back. The family is starting to worry dear" Laughing she thinks you should as she goes to the next message.

"Miss Jareau this is Michelle from Dr. Carpenter's office, we have your test results in and need you to call us back. We have extended office hours and will be here until 9 tonight." Strange was all JJ could think as she realized that was the last of her messages.

Calling back JJ was promptly put on hold. Glad she had used her cell she walked out to where the rest of her team was sitting in the bullpen holding Reid's journal.

**AN I think I may be able to update more tonight if there is an interest. Not ****quite ****sure where to take this**** Suggestions are appreciated. ****Reviews make me HAPPY.**


	6. Chapter 6

"Reid kept a journal." She looked at the group, holding the journal for them to see with one hand still holding the phone to her ear with the other. "He wrote about everyone if anyone wants they can look at it."

They stood and quietly followed her into the briefing room each taking a seat around the table.

JJ stood at the front of the room as if they had a new case, because they did it was to say goodbye to their genius.

As the receptionist came back on the line JJ walked into the hall to take the call and closed the door.

"This feels weird, like we are invading his privacy" Garcia looked around the room to see what the others thought.

"Well I guess he shoulda thought of that before he wrote it. If you write shit down and then die its fair game, baby girl." Morgan looked angrier in this moment than in any other since Reid died.

"I don't think Reid would mind Penelope, Morgan does have a point. Reid must have known that if something happened to him we would be the ones to deal with his things." Gideon smiled at her letting her know that he understood her apprehension.

"Who did go through his things?" Emily scanned the table wondering if it had been JJ.

"I did. But his landlord said that his girlfriend had already been by. I thought it was probably one of you ladies…I just didn't realize the landlord had been correct about the relationship" Gideon was once again their mentor if only for this night.

Opening the door JJ smiled at them and for a moment one could almost forget why they were here. "How do you want to do this?"

"JJ you read what he wrote about Rossi and will continue around the table to the left Rossi about Emily who will then read about Garcia who in turn will read what was written about Morgan who will read what Reid thought of Hotch then me and ending with me reading what Reid wrote about you. This way everyone knows what was said about everyone else no secrets and no hidden pain which I think this team has had enough of." He knew the order was important he had to read what Reid had thought of JJ Gideon thought forgetting as he took charge that he was no longer a member of this team let alone their leader.

"Okay you ready Rossi?" Her famous JJ press smile flashed across her face. He nodded.

_Rossi is an amazingly intelligent man who will be an asset to this team if we can ever get used to Gideon being gone. __That is i__f he can ever get used to this being a team. __I fear that he will see the things I hide from them all but maybe it would be a blessing anyway. He does not allow me to impress him and I feel like he is himself hiding something. He is unimpressed with my genius in a way that no one ever has been, it is comforting to feel inferior to him. He does not assume that I __will be right and does not expect more from than from the others. To him I am just a kid who has to earn his respect. I do not deserve it though. _

Rossi looked at the rest of the group with a sad smile on his face. He then reached up and took the book from JJ.

"Are we sure this is a good idea?" Garcia said beginning to fear what he had written about her.

"Yes." It was Gideon and they all knew they would continue.

_Emily is a lot better at this than we all think. She is so far the only one who has said anything to me about my behavior and for that she received harshness that was unearned.__ She took it and said nothing else and for that I am grateful. She seems to get better with each case and may end up as one of the greatest profilers the BAU has ever seen. I only wish that she knew that she has found her place that she belongs here and that we see her as one of us. She is no longer the step-sister she sees herself as on our team. She is a fully fledged pain in the ass of a sister and I love her for that._

Emily was laughing and crying as she took the small leather bound book from Rossi.

_Garcia wow where do I start. She is the center of the world that is the BAU. She is our sun that gives us light on our darkest days. Without her this place would be unbearable. I only hope that we can succeed in keeping the darkness away from __our light. On the best days I think we can and on days like today I want to hide her away from the world. _

Emily looked at the now crying Garcia; this is dated on the day you got shot. Wiping her tears away Garcia took the journal from Emily and began to read.

_I wish to god I could tell Morgan about JJ and me but I know that the temptation to tease would be too great for him. He loves to pick at me and for that I will always owe him. He has made me so much stronger with his gentle teasing. It is odd because in the world that I came from Morgan would have been a predator but here he is the only brother I have ever had. It hurts to know that the pain he carries he will never share with me but I understand that some things are just too much. I hope that someday he learns to not be so hard on himself and realizes that not every will break his trust. _

Tears running down his face Morgan took the book from a now sobbing Garcia.

_Hotch leads this team with a stern face and a gentle hand. He is like the much older brother who isn't afraid to call Dad when he is needed. Of all the members of this team it would break my heart the most for Hotch to see the track marks that now run up my arms. He is the conscience of us all; one look from him tells you when you are out of line. The most amazing feeling is to know that Aaron Hotchner is proud of you. I live everyday trying not to disappoint him and some days I truly believe he is proud of me and on others I wish he would look away. It is hard when you compare yourself to such a principled man but Hotch gives us something to strive for._

He took the book but said nothing. It was time to see what Reid really thought of Gideon.

_I hope that Gideon finds the ability to believe in happy endings again. It hurts to know that he is hurt and though I wish he knew he could talk to me I know that he never will. He wrote me the letter to say what he could never look at me and say. I am his student in this journey and he as the teacher will never rely on me in that way. He is quite possibly the smartest person I have ever met. It scared me sometimes that he depended on me for the answers but I knew that that is his way of pushing me to do better and be better. I have thought of telling him about the drugs hundreds of times but to be quite honest I like the drugs and Jason Gideon would never stand by while I slowly take my own life._

The silence in the room was deafening as Gideon stood and took the book from Hotch.

"JJ are you sure you want me to read this?" Gideon said looking down at the passage Reid had written about her.

**AN- Well that's it for tonight sorry but you'll have to wait until tomorrow to see what Reid wrote about JJ. I don't want to rush that part. As always please review. In the AN of the last chapter I plan to thank everyone and respond to their comments. Again thanks for reading please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

"JJ are you sure you want me to read this?" Gideon said looking down at the passage Reid had written about her.

"I am more sure of this than I have been of anything in the past two months. You were his family and deserve to know who he was. I read every word of his journal, papers lying around the house, post it notes, old files anything I could find with his hand writing on it I have read. It is unfair for me to read it and deny you all the right." JJ looked at the faces around the table as she spoke knowing that she also needed them to know how much Reid had loved her she needed them to know that she loved him as much. They needed to see this so that they would not hate her for his death. She hated herself enough for all of them.

_JJ asked me to__ stay at her house again tonight the dreams she has have gotten worse, she lays awake staring at the ceiling waiting for dogs to jump out at her and she fears being alone for the first time in her life. There is little I can do to help her and have begged her to talk to Gideon or Hotch but she refuses. So I hold her while she cries herself to sleep every night. I watch her sleeping and the strangest things come into my mind. I see our children and then I remind myself that she is my friend and I can__not__ cross that line when what she needs is my help. _

"This is dated a few months later." He was making sure that everyone was n the same page and looked to JJ to make sure she wanted him to continue. JJ nodded and Gideon looked back to the book of Reid's writing.

_I am so lost right now and fear that I will never find my way__ again. JJ found my stash and totally freaked out. I think it was frustration at wanting for months to say something and not being completely sure. She has known for awhile I can tell by the way she looks at me but tonight she had __pr__oo__f of what she has been __denying__ for months. __So I did the one thing I have always told myself I would never do__ I walked away. She sat on her porch and watched as I __simply walked away. _

_When I was five or so blocks away I realized that I was becoming more and more like my parents and the person it was hurting was my dear sweet JJ. So as the rain began to pour down I turned and walked back to her. She was sitting there with the rain running down her face mixing with her tears. She told me that she loved the rain because it hides your tears; she was wrong because I know that I broke her heart._

_There is a part of me that hopes that she will turn me in to Hotch but as I watch her sleeping next to me I know that she never will. It's odd but when she is truly angry and only then JJ sleeps in my cloth__e__s. My t-shirt falls down sweet form and I want so badly to touch her. I want to hold her and promise that everything will be fine but I know that it won't__ and she has finally fallen asleep__. This drug will either kill me or destroy everything that she ever loved in me. _

_JJ is the only reason that I still wake up every morning she is the reason I don't load the syringe enough to end this__. It would be her that finds me, I know it would and that is the thing that stops me. I think sometimes that I should just miss the next plane and then when they are gone do it. Then I think of JJ and what our babies would look like with her blond hair and my dark eyes. I picture us at a park swinging on the swings because they are JJ's favorite. She says she feels like she is flying when she is on them. That image of her on the swing with our child in her arms is the only thing that may save me._

JJ made a gasping sound as she sucked in a breath after forgetting to breathe. The entire team turned to her as the tears rolled down her face. They were waiting for her to fall apart after hearing the words that she had already read.

"JJ?" Gideon stopped reading and turned to her.

"Don't stop Gideon." She looked away from the others and for a moment was lost in a memory. So as he continued to read the inner thought of the man she loved JJ went into her mind where a piece of Reid still lived.

_"JJ, guess what?" JJ smiled thinking that sometimes Spencer was like a six year old on Christmas morning. _

_"What Spence?"_

_"Your name means white wave. And Jason means Healer which I'm sure you knew and__ Gideon means great warrior.__ Hotch w__ell__ Aaron means strong did you know that. Emily means rival or excel or to strive did you know that? And Penelope means with a web over her face. Derek means people ruler__ and Morgan means great circle. And David means beloved. Did you know all that?__"__ He smiled at her like the man he used to would have._

_"No, Spence I didn't know any of that. Is there a reason that you are giving me a lesson in the origin of names?" She smiled at him while trying to suppress the urge to rip his clothes of right there in her office._

_"Well I was thinking that when well if I guess well I don't know." He looked down at the floor for the first time while talking to her in months._

_"What Spence?"_

_"Well I was just thinking that names are important and if we well you know ever have kids I like Amena for a girl it's Arabic and it means honest and trustworthy. And if we ever had a baby and it was a boy well I like Liam it's Celtic and means strong-willed warrior. I mean if we ever had kids." He looked at the floor some more and turned red while she laughed._

_"I like those Spence."_

_"Really!" Again he looked like a child on Christmas._

"JJ, girl you okay?" Morgan's hand was on her shoulder and everyone else in the room was watching her with concern.

"Yeah, sorry I was just lost in a memory." She smiled weakly at the group.

"What was it about?" Hotch feared over stepping boundaries but was more concerned with losing JJ.

"It was about what Reid wanted to name our baby." JJ stood and walked out of the room leaving them all stunned.

**AN- Thank you all for the reviews I am so sorry this has taken so long to post. It has been a trying day. I think that many of you may have picked up on the fact that I have experienced the loss of a loved one to addiction and for the sake of the story I needed more time to write this section. This is also my first fic and I am honestly still planning the end, many of you seemed to like the idea of her being pregnant and thus I have decided that she will be. Thank you all so much for being my therapy, losing someone you love to an addiction steals your right to grieve. Please R+R**


	8. Chapter 8

"It was about what Reid wanted to name our baby." JJ stood and walked out of the room leaving them all stunned.

Hotch was the first to follow JJ from the room. He watched as she stepped onto the elevator and the doors shut behind her. _Damn __it _was all he thought as he ran to the stairs taking them two at a time.

"JJ, wait please." Hotch yelled in the parking garage as he saw her walking toward her car his voice echoing in the confined space.

JJ turned to face him as a slightly out of breath Hotch jogged to her.

"Where are you going?"

"To Las Vegas." She looked as if it was an obvious answer.

"Why?" Hotch was stunned by her again in less than fifteen minutes.

"I'm going to see Reid's mom."

"JJ is that a good idea?"

"Hotch don't try to talk me out of this okay? The woman may not know much about this reality anymore but she deserves to know that Reid was loved and that she is gonna be a grandmother." She was completely determined and he knew better than to argue with her at this point.

"Okay, wait though and let me drive you to the airport. Let's go upstairs and at least get your ready bag."

She nodded and walked with him to the elevator. Upstairs the others were all standing around like children left alone looking at each other waiting to see if this was a test.

"JJ's going to Vegas to see Reid's mother." Hotch told the others as she went to get her ready bag.

"JJ, may I go with you?" Gideon asked as she returned to the group. She nodded.

Garcia grabbed her into a tight embrace. "If you need anything call I'm always here."

The plane ride to Las Vegas was completely uneventful and JJ slept the entire way while Gideon looked on in a protective manor. He carried her bag and rented a car while she looked off into her own mind.

At the sanitarium JJ had to explain her relationship to the staff and in the end showed her credentials in order to get in to see Diana Reid.

"She is having a really good day which is rare since well you know." The young nurse told JJ and Gideon.

"Thank you." Gideon said as JJ walked to Diana.

"Mrs. Reid I'm not sure if you remember me but …"

"Of course I know you JJ. How are you dear I know this must be terribly difficult for you with Spencer leaving?" Diana smiled as if JJ were an old Friend.

"Well that's sort of why I am here. You see Spencer and I were well seeing each other and I wanted you to know how very much I loved him and I wanted you to know that you are going to be a Grandmother." She blurted it out like if she waited she would not be able to tell this woman these things.

"Of course you were together. That's wonderful that you two are expecting does Spencer know yet?"

At this point Gideon joined the conversation to save JJ from having to tell this woman that her son had died two months ago.

"Mrs. Reid, Spencer was killed in an accident two months ago." He said.

"Well that is what the CIA would like us all to believe but… wait he didn't tell you?

JJ began to cry. "No Mrs. Reid Spencer… he is gone." Gideon put his hand on her shoulder.

"Then how did I get this?" She handed JJ a picture wrapped in tissue paper. Unwrapping it she saw Reid with his arms around her smiling goofily at the camera and she gasped, turned and walked to the window.

Gideon followed her. "What is it?" he was now more concerned than ever for the stability of the almost broken JJ.

"We took this picture the night he died Gideon. The camera was in his car. How did she get this?"

"I got it from Spencer when he came to tell me he was leaving." Diana watched as the two looked at her in shock.

"There has to be an explanation for this JJ. Someone must have found the camera and sent her the pictures." Gideon was beginning to become concerned for his own stability as he prayed that somehow this schizophrenic woman could somehow be right.

"He told me about the drugs and being so very lost and how much he loved you, JJ."

JJ ran from the room to lobby and out into the parking lot where her sobbing became too hysterical for even Jason Gideon to calm.

**AN- So what do we think is Reid alive or has Diana Reid just imagined something her sad mind could handle? Please R+R thanks for reading.**


	9. Chapter 9

After he got the call from Gideon, Hotch sent out an emergency recall for the rest of the team and Garcia.

As they filed in Emily looked at her half sleeping colleagues wondering what type of crazy had forced the back to work after such an awful day.

"What is this about?" Rossi asked as he took a sip of his coffee.

"Probably some lunatic who is unaware of the normal sleeping patterns of the rest of the damn world." Emily wondered if Morgan and Garcia had even heard the conversation that she and Rossi were having.

Garcia raised her head and looked at the rest of them with tears in her eyes. "This is what it will be like if she doesn't come back you know."

"Don't think like that Mama. She'll be back." Morgan said it more for himself than for Garcia.

"That's what we all thought about Reid too and look what happened there. We all thought that if we just left things alone that he would be okay and it killed him." She lowered her head back to the table as Hotch was walking in the door.

"Gideon called. JJ is not okay and he asked that we come to Vegas. Anyone who wants to go has to take personal leave and it won't be paid. I have 5 seats reserved on the next flight out for anyone who wants to go, we leave in 40 minutes." Hotch walked out before any questions could be answered.

"What the hell was that its 3 AM man he could at least tell us what happened." Morgan's lack of sleep was at this point pissing him off.

"I'm going, if she needs us we should be there." Emily stood and started to walk to Hotch's office.

"Tell him we all are, right?" Rossi's question was answered with nods from Garcia and Morgan.

When the team arrived in Vegas they rented an SUV and went to the hotel where Gideon and JJ were staying. When they arrived Gideon met them in the lobby and explained what had happened and Garcia insisted on immediately seeing JJ.

In the elevator Morgan clenched and unclenched his jaw and his fists. "I swear to God if he's alive I'm gonna kill him."

"Knock it off Morgan that is not at all helpful." Hotch said with a stern look and the exact same thoughts.

"You know what Hotch this isn't a case and I can say whatever the hell I want to cause right now you're not my boss."

"Just stop both of you!" Morgan and Hotch both looked at Emily in shock. "We are her for JJ and damn it you two are not gonna make this worse than it already has to be so just stop."

The elevator doors opened and Gideon lead them down the hall to JJ's room opening the door with a magnetic key card.

JJ sat in a chair staring out the window; her eyes were bloodshot and swollen. She was rocking back and forth as if trying to comfort herself.

"Is she in shock?" Hotch looked to Gideon who was nodding.

"At least she stopped crying it took me hours." For the first time the others looked at Gideon who himself looked exhausted.

Garcia walked over to JJ and kneeled down in front of her."JJ, sweetheart it will be alright."

"Garcia that may not be a good idea." Rossi took a step forward, but was stopped when Emily put her hand on his shoulder.

"Out." Emily looked at the men and they left without a word.

"She's had the same clothes on for two days Garcia help her get undressed and I go turn the shower on."

"Sure make the computer tech strip the armed federal agent… that's fair." Garcia mumbled as she walked to JJ.

As Emily and Garcia helped her into the shower JJ she mumbled, "How could he do this to me? How could he leave me here all alone?"

Across the hall Hotch, Gideon, Morgan, and Rossi sat in Gideon's room discussing the implications of what Diana Reid had said when there was a knock on the door.

Hotch answered it and was slightly shocked to see a boy of about five standing there.

"What can I do for you buddy?" he smiled at the child.

"Well sir I'm supposed to give you this." He said holding up an envelope to Hotch.

"Who gave you this?"

"The pretty lady."

"Did she say anything? What did she look like?" Hotch said while opening the envelope.

"Max, get over here. I'm so sorry if he was bothering you." The young woman who was obviously the child's sister said while dragging him away.

"What is it Hotch?" Morgan asked.

Closing the door Hotch pulled the letter out and read it aloud. "You are getting way to close to the truth and it is becoming dangerous. Please stop now while you are still safe. They know you spoke to Diana Reid and if you don't leave now they may hurt you all, please leave now." Hotch handed the letter to Gideon.

"Shit." Gideon looked at the letter. "Okay the wording suggests a female…"

"Let me see that." Morgan said reaching out to Gideon. "I've seen this handwriting before…Fuck go get the girls."

As the three women walked into the room with Morgan, he grabbed Garcia's hand and pulled her to the table where Rossi was looking at the letter.

"Look at this does the handwriting look familiar?"

Garcia read the words as she looked at the writing. "Oh my god…Elle."

**AN- If you want more tonight please let me know. I hope you all like where this is going please let R+R**


	10. Chapter 10

He pushed his hair out of his face as she spoke, this was never ending he thought to himself as she went on and on about protocol. Here and there he would pick up a word or two just enough to be able to fake paying attention. It wasn't until he heard the words threat elimination that he looked up and for the first time really listened to what she was saying.

"We need to move if this is for real they know where we are and we are in danger. I think we should travel to the outskirts of the city and pay for a hotel room with cash." Gideon looked up at the rest of the group.

"But if we move we leave a secure location and with what you're suggesting move to a less densely populated area, which means less witnesses." Hotch was beginning to look very worried.

"Whoa now you two think this is for real? And just who do you think is after us?"

"Garcia can you start doing whatever it is you do and see if you can find anything without leading them back to us?" Rossi asked.

"Is he for real? Does he honestly have so little faith in my abilities?" She was only slightly joking.

"Just do it Garcia." Hotch knew they didn't have time for joking.

Her fingers moved quickly across the keyboard. With little more that a "Damn" or "Wow they're good" before she said "guys I got something."

"What is it Garcia??" JJ asked returning in the chaos to her cool-headed self.

"On a secure federal network I'm getting a huge amount of chatter."

"What network and what are they saying?" Hotch looked up.

"Something about sending out _cleaners _and well it's the CIA."

"Shit." They all looked to Gideon. "Cleaners is CIA code for assassins."

"You know I'm starting to think I shoulda stayed in Virginia." Morgan stated.

"What else does it say Garcia?" Emily looked scared for the first time at the BAU.

"Okay this is what I have… operation failure…Rogue agent off the grid… handler dead presumably killed by said agent…Guys their code for the agent is…wait for it Einstein."

"It's Reid." They all looked to JJ.

The banging on the door caused 5 guns to be drawn and as they moved toward the door Hotch handed his backup to Gideon as Morgan forced Garcia to take his.

Emily looked through the peephole and whispered, "Female early 30's black hair pulled back, she keeps looking back and forth down the hall."

Gideon moved up and looked out into the hall. "It's Elle." He slowly opened the door not lowering his gun.

She slowly walked into the room shutting the door behind her with her foot keeping her hands in the air aware of the guns pointed at her. "I'm armed." She slowly turned around to reveal a gun tucked into a back holster. Morgan moved forward and took the gun then patted her down.

"What the hell is going on Elle?" JJ stepped forward gun still pointing at her head regardless of the fact that the others had put their guns away.

"You just couldn't take the fucking hint could you? I tried to warn you and still you stayed."

"WE STAYED FOR REID!" JJ was in her face.

"Okay JJ, just calm down and get that damn thing outta my face."

"Elle never tell the girl with the gun at your head to calm down. NOW TALK!"

"JJ." Hotch stepped forward and forced her to lower her gun. "We won't get any information if you shoot her." He turned to Elle. "Who do you work for?"

"The CIA but you already knew that right Garcia?"

"Umm, I have no idea what you're talking about." Garcia responded.

"What's going on Greenaway?" Gideon asked.

"You stumbled onto an active investigation."

"On U.S. soil? Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't the CIA for collecting foreign intelligence?" Hotch leaned against the dresser.

"Well yes but…"

"We don't have time for this where's Reid?" JJ moved closer to Elle.

"I assume on his way here. He killed his handler about twenty minutes ago… about three miles from here so chances are he's already here, in the hotel.?" She looked at her watch as she spoke.

"Why did he kill his Handler?" Rossi asked pointedly.

"Because she ordered a _threat elimination_ against you." She looked at the floor her confidence seeming to fade for an instant.

"Are they still coming for us?" Morgan once again looked worried as he ran his hands over his head.

"No, apparently all operatives are being recalled to Langley it appears that an unknown hacker intercepted and decrypted the communication and the operation that you were jeopardizing was deemed a failure." She looked at Garcia. There was a collective sigh of relief as the team smiled at Garcia.

"Well looky there the geek saved the day." She proudly smiled back realizing that she had saved the team.

The knock on the door as the security light changed from red meaning locked to green indicating that someone had a key card startled them all including Elle who unarmed was standing the closest.

As the door opened guns were drawn and Elle was pulled behind the others. Staring back at the 7 guns a shocked Reid shrugged his shoulders.

**AN- I couldn't kill him he's my favorite! I know this is not where the story seemed to be going but...I hope you all liked it please R+R**


	11. Chapter 11

As the door opened guns were drawn and Elle was pulled behind the others. Staring back at the 7 guns a shocked Reid shrugged his shoulders.

JJ stood staring at him in shock as a pissed off Morgan stepped forward with Gideon and Hotch moving out of the way. He pulled his arm back and Garcia gasped as she realized he was about to punch Reid in the face, Reid grabbed his arm forcing it behind his back as he shoved him forward into the room and shut the door behind them both.

"What the hell Morgan?" Reid looked at him with sadness in his eyes. "JJ…I'm so sorry." It was then that he saw her crying. She stood and walked to him in what an instant seemed like it had the makings of a beautiful reunion. That was until JJ slapped him across the face sending him flying into the bed which he then pulled himself onto.

"Do you have any idea what you've done? Do you know what this was like? Don't you even care? What happened to you Spence how could you just walk away and let us… let _me_ think you were dead?"

"Oh god JJ you have no idea how much this hurt…" He looked down at the floor as the tears began to fall.

"No idea, _Reid_. I have no idea. I buried you! I watched as the dirt fell and I blamed myself. I thought this was my fault. I prayed that God would forgive me for your downfall. I watched as everyone else dealt with you being gone and I cried every night." JJ wanted to hold him so badly but she was much to hurt and angry to allow herself the pleasure or him the comfort.

He raised his hands to his face to where she had slapped him and felt he warmth of her touch lingering. For two months he had wanted so badly to call her, he wanted to tell her that this was all fiction. To tell her he loved her and wanted to hold her, but in this moment he wondered if he would ever hold her again.

Two hearts were breaking and the team knew there was nothing they could do to stop this…Gideon wished he had stayed and then maybe just maybe these hearts wouldn't break. Hotch wanted to yell at them to stop that it wasn't too late, that they could still be each other's everything. But he knew that he couldn't even save his own marriage and that what was happening here he couldn't do anything about either. Emily remembered watching the two of them laugh on the plane before Georgia and wished they could go back. Morgan wanted to punch Reid and run away from all of this. Garcia simply cried. Elle knew that she could save them.

"He didn't want to leave." She said it quietly.

**AN- I'm sorry it has taken me so long to post this and that it is so short. I'm writting more and will update again tonight. I hope you all enjoy it and please remember to R+R**


	12. Chapter 12

"He didn't want to leave." She said it quietly.

"What? So he had no choice in the matter?" JJ sarcastically spun around to face Elle.

"It's complicated okay? Not everything is black and white and this is very much gray."

Reid didn't hear the argument that followed he was lost in his own thoughts, far away from this angry room and back to where this had all began.

_'I will be okay.' He repeated this to himself as Tobias tortured him for hours he thought of this and only one other thing. JJ. He had to be okay to get back to __her and __tell her that none of this was her fault. _

_As he drove faster and faster away from her house he repeated the same thoughts. The tears pouring down her face he saw in the blur of his own. Just once more and then no more for her he would find a way to stop even if that meant telling Hotch the next morning. That was what he would do, just walk into his office and tell him 'No. I am not okay. I am a drug addict and I am very much not okay.' Hotch could make this all go away_

_But tonight just this one last time he reached for his bag. The car careened off the road and hit the gravel shoulder. He lost control and heard the metallic crunch of the car hitting the tree. _

_His head hit the stirring wheel and he was in blackness._

_Two days later he woke up in a hospital with no windows, a government facility he was told by the staff that also told him that officially he was dead. He looked at pictures of his burnt car and the body he was told would convince his team.__ He thought of her of what this would do to her. _

_He watched the news as his funeral was broadcast and wondered who Hotch had lied to, to get the news__ people__ to think he had died bravely while actively working a case. There's no coming back from this he thought. JJ didn't cry, he had watched her at the funeral, she didn't cry. Maybe this was for the best.__ Maybe he should just let her go._

_The memories flooded into his mind. It was a couple of weeks later when he was sent to Vegas to help with an actual case. Elle met him on the runway after the plane landed and for an instant he wanted so badly to tell her of JJ. It was then that he realized that she was the agent who had requested his help, she was one of them and they already knew. They had told him all the horrible things that would be done to her__ to his JJ__ if she found out about him. _

His head was starting to hurt from the yelling of everyone in the room.

"You know what JJ I really don't have the time for this right now." Elle stood and walked to the door. "Reid what do you want me to tell them?"

"Tell them I'll be right there." He looked down at the floor afraid of what the others would say to his leaving for the second time in as many months.

"What? You're leaving again." She was barely holding on at this point.

"I have to, JJ." He walked to her with everyone watching. "I love you so much it hurts. I wish I could hold you forever." He wrapped his arms around her. "But if I don't go back, they're gonna hurt you JJ."

"The fuck they are." Morgan had finally found something that deserved his anger.

"When did that…they happen?" Elle leaned toward Gideon as she whispered.

"Not completely sure." He replied.

"I …didn't know. He never…" She looked down at the floor. She knew that on occasion the agency had threatened to take away someone dear to help gain operatives but she thought that Reid had joined after hearing she needed his help.

"Reid I'm so sorry. Please know that I didn't know okay? We'll fix this, we'll find a way." Elle looked at them holding each other and longed to make this right.

"No, we won't. This is what it is. And right now it's goodbye." He held her close. "You are my reason for waking up each day. You JJ are the only reason I have and I can't…I can't let anything happen to you. Do you understand? Please forgive me, I have to go now." He pulled away.

"Reid, come back to me someday?" Hotch moved toward her, knowing what a broken heart felt like.

"I'll try." He walked out of the room and their lives.

**AN- Again i'm sorry this is short but it kinda has to be... so I need your feedback. Where do you, the readers, think this story should go from here? I was thinking this may be the end? If you want more let me know. If you hate this let me know. If you don't review then that's the end. PLEASE R+R**


	13. Chapter 13

After Reid had left the room JJ stood silently for an instant before turning to the team. "Hotch do you think you could get us all tickets home for the morning?" She was strong but there was a sadness that broke their hearts in her eyes.

"Sure, JJ, I can do that." He walked to where Garcia sat at the laptop. "The earlier you can get them the better, Garcia."

"What that's it? We stop now? We let him leave like we don't even know?" Morgan ran his hands over his head as the anger washed over him.

"Please Morgan this is hard enough. Please just let it be how it has to be." JJ put her hand on his arm to comfort him.

"But why, JJ? Why does it have to be like this?" Tears were beginning to form in his eyes as he struggled to understand how she could let go so easily when he couldn't imagine it.

"Please Morgan." His tears began to fall and for once Morgan was the one wrapped in someone's arms for comfort.

Gideon looked on realizing that she was once again Jennifer Jareau media liaison to one of the most elite FBI teams, her role was once again to deal with the facts and half truths of this world and to comfort others when they needed it.

"I'm going to get food anyone want to help?" Rossi looked to Emily who nodded and grabbed her purse.

Once they had left Hotch and Gideon ushered Morgan across the hall so that he could compose himself without the concern of Garcia and JJ.

"How could he do this?" He looked at Hotch for the answer.

"He had no choice in his mind. People will give up a lot to protect the ones they love, even if that means giving up those people." Gideon answered.

Across the hall JJ began to pack and since she was still in Gideon's room the things she was packing were his. She left out his toothbrush and a change of clothes.

"Why are you packing Gideon's stuff?" Garcia was both amused and concerned.

"Shit, I used to do this for Reid. Pack his things after a bad case. I guess I didn't think. You think he'll be pissed?" She smiled at Garcia for the first time in a long time.

Garcia shook her head and burst out laughing.

"Thanks for the shower by the way." They were both now hysterically laughing.

By the time they made it to the where the guys were across the hall they were trying to hold each other up and were both clutching their stomachs.

"What the hell?" It was all Hotch could say when he opened the door to the out of control women.

"Call …. Rossi … back." JJ's face was red and she was gasping for breath in her laughter.

"What? Why?" Morgan looked on and smiled.

"We wanna go out with everyone. The whole team. You too Gideon." Garcia was still laughing.

"Well almost the whole team... Reid is probably eating airplane food." This statement just made JJ laugh harder.

Gideon walked to her and hugged her tightly.

"What was that for?" She smiled up at him.

"Nothing. I'm gonna grab a sweatshirt." He walked out into the hall.

"What was that?" JJ looked at Hotch.

"You went from an emotional wreck to the ability to laugh and for the laughter to be real. You're gonna be okay JJ and he knows that now."

"Well I have to be. When Reid comes home I have to be and well it's only fair that this kid has a mom that's not a complete mess while its dad is away." She ran her hand over her stomach for the first time acknowledging what none of them had actually said.

**AN- I hope you all like it. PLEASE R+R I think this is the end but if you insist I will write more. So what do you all think? End? or Just the Beginning?**


	14. Chapter 14

"I'm not saying I don't understand. I'm just saying it's been a month and this sucks, you know?" JJ looked up at Emily who stared back not knowing what to say.

"I really don't know what to say…I'm sure with time… I don't know." Emily prayed someone more capable of having this conversation would come into the office.

The knock on the door saved her. "Hey we're going out to lunch you gals wanna come?" Morgan asked

"Who's we?" Emily asked.

"Everybody."

"Chinese?" JJ smiled.

"We might be able to that…If you promise me something." He smiled at her.

"What do I have to promise?" She was slightly leery of making promises to Derek Morgan.

"That you'll teach the kid how to use chopsticks, it was always a disgrace to the FBI to watch Reid eat with them, and I can't allow it to be passed to another generation." He was trying his best to not be mad at Reid and hoped that JJ could see that.

"You know what Morgan? I think I'll leave that one up to Uncle Derek!" She laughed as they walked out to join the team.

**AN- I hope you like this chapter**** I know that it is incredibly short and for that I apologize. The 9****th**** is the anniversary of the loss I mentioned ****in an ****earlier ****AN ****and it has been a very difficult week so I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update, especially after the informal poll about whether to continue. I put myself in the place of the reader and decided to finish this story because**** there seems to be a lot left to explain. I**** really don't want to leave things without some ****explanation**** as to what happened and what will happen.**

**PLEASE**** R****+R reviews make me happy and this week I need them.**


	15. Chapter 15

"You know it is almost worse like this. Before when he was dead that was one thing and yeah it hurt like hell and everyday was a struggle but he didn't chose death that was something that happened and I could…I could blame him and myself but in my heart I knew that he would never chose to leave me and that I did all that I could for him." She glanced up with tear filled eyes. "But this he chose this. As much as he thinks that this is not his choice it is because you know what, I would never leave him I would fight if it was the last fight I ever fought. He won't fight for me. So this is worse because he chooses everyday to let me go. He chooses not to fight."

"Look JJ from what you have told me he will be back." The priest adjusted his collar and looked down at her with a small smile on his face. "You never told me something that is crucial to this whole situation though."

"What is that Father?" JJ asked.

"When is your baby due?" His smile widened.

"Oh," She laughed "three months."

"I see." He began to say more when Morgan walked in.

"JJ is the family almost ready for the press conference? Hotch and Rossi are getting antsy and wanted me to check." He pointed over his shoulder to another room of the church where the volunteers had set up a call in center.

"Yeah, be right with you guys." She looked from Morgan to the Priest. "This little one gives new meaning to kidnapping cases." She smiled as she rubbed her growing belly.

* * *

"Reid I need to talk to you about something." Elle had a look about her that told him that whatever it was it was not good. 

"What's going on?" he watched her crack her knuckles and step from one foot to the other back and forth for a moment. "God, Elle what is it?"

"Reid… it's about JJ." She finally looked up at him.

"What? What happened Elle? Is it bad? Did she get hurt?" The questions flew from his mouth as his breaking heart screamed for an answer.

"No. Reid calm down." She put her hand on his shoulder. "She went leave."

"Why? What's going on Elle?" He wanted to strangle her for this delay.

"She went on medical leave." She could see the questions rising up in Reid's throat. "She went on maternity leave Reid."

"I have t-to go now Elle." He was calm as he stood and left the room gently shutting the door to his office behind him. Elle didn't look out to see if he was running down the hall. She knew he was.

**AN- Again I am forced to apologize for the short chapter but I was afraid you all would forget this story if I waited much longer. I also didn't want Reid to have to wait another day to know that he's going to be a Daddy! **

**Thank you to all who have reviewed and to those of you who sent kindness my way during this week of sorrow. We had the 1 year service for my friend on Sunday, it was the final service to honor her life and remember her death on the anniversary. She can finally rest and so can I so expect more chapters and longer ones soon.**

**As always please R+R it motivates!**


	16. Chapter 16

"I have t-to go now Elle." He was calm as he stood and left the room gently shutting the door to his office behind him. Elle didn't look out to see if he was running down the hall. She knew he was.

Reid ran down the long corridor and turned the corner. As he turned the corner he ran directly into a woman knocking her down in the process. Her papers flew into the air and Reid immediately began to pick them up.

"Oh God, Agent Strauss I'm so sorry." He fumbled with the papers.

"Agent Reid what is wrong with you? You need to watch where you are going. Where are you going Agent Reid?" She looked at him as if he were an idiot.

"I was… um just well… I just found out that… well… I'm just going…" He looked at the floor unwilling to answer his supervisor.

"Jesus Reid would you just spit it out." She was growing less and less patient by the second.

"I need to leave. In fact I, I'm quitting. I've done what I can here and I've given up every important thing in my life for this place. It's not worth it anymore." He stood tall and looked her in the eyes.

"If you do this Agent Reid you will never work for the United States government again. Do you understand that? You will never work for any governmental agency."

"Okay." He handed her the papers she had dropped when he ran into her and continued down the hall.

* * *

JJ stood at the kitchen sink washing the dishes when her Aunt Sarah walked into the room. 

"What are you doing JJ you should be resting." She said reaching for the dish cloth.

"I'm fine Sarah; I just want to get these dishes done so I can wash the bottles before Liam wakes up." JJ said finishing the last plate and reaching for a bottle.

"JJ you came home to have little Liam James so that you would have help. Let me help please."

In that moment JJ realized that East Allegheny was no longer her home. He home was in Virginia where Spencer would return and her team, her new family lived.

"Aunt Sarah I think I should go." She put down the bottle and dried her hands.

"What? JJ why? Please tell me you're not upset over the dishes." Her aunt was beginning to get upset.

"No not at all; I just think it would be best for Liam and me to go. You understand we need to be home. He has never even been home and my team hasn't met him yet."

"Your team JJ we are your family." Her aunt looked at her sadly.

"I know that but Aunt Sarah so are they. I'm sorry but he is almost five weeks old and we really need to get back if for no other reason because I need to go back to work soon." JJ felt like a child trying to justify an adult decision.

"I guess you're right I was just hoping that during this time off you would realize that the FBI isn't the best place for your talents especially now that you're a mother. JJ what if something happens to you? Are you really willing to leave this baby with no parents?"

"He has a father." JJ blood was beginning to boil.

"Yeah and where is his drug addict father JJ?"

Only fifteen minutes later JJ was driving towards the highway heading south when Liam began to cry in the back seat. "Shhh, little man it's okay now we're going home." She soothed.

**AN-I hope you all like this chapter! Sorry about the delay my Internet was out because of the winter weather. So, because I owe you for the delay (I keep myself on deadlines even if you all are patient) I'll be updating later---so let me know what you want to see next and I'll try to incorporate it into the rough outline I have in my head. **

**As always PLEASE R+R **


	17. Chapter 17

AS Reid drove from Langley towards D.C. he thought of all that had changed since he left JJ's house so high he could concentrate on anything other than one more high after the current one. He thought of JJ and what she would look like with a growing belly. Of what their child would look like. Of who their child would act like. He thought of JJ and how alone she must feel and for that he was truly sorry. His thoughts speed as he accelerated the car and wished that he could get to Quantico faster.

He drove to her apartment and ran up the driveway as fast as he could. He stood on the porch and hung his head as he realized after pounding on the door for what seemed like hours that she was not home. Reaching into his bag he realized his cell was sitting on his desk in Langley.

"Where are you JJ?" He asked out loud.

"She hasn't been home in weeks." The old woman seemed both surprised to see Reid and worried about the young woman who was normally her favorite neighbor.

"Thank you very much." It was all Reid could think to say as he ran back to his car thanking God for nosy neighbors. The only thing running through his head was that his family would know where to find JJ.

* * *

JJ walked into the bullpen off the BAU holding baby Liam close to her chest, the place was filled with activity as it sometimes was when multiple teams were in town. Looking around she saw her team laughing and talking it was obvious that they had just returned to the area, their bags were thrown around their desks and they seemed relieved yet tired. She stood and watched them for a moment thankful to home. 

Looking up she saw her closed office door and longed to be back here with the rest of her team while wondering what exactly the logistics of working at the BAU and being a single mother would be.

It was then that she made eye contact with a smiling Hotch. She walked toward the group as he jogged down the steps to meet her with the rest of the team who were still oblivious to her arrival.

"Conference room now." He called out as the group looked at his with pleading looks. He smiled at JJ when their backs were turned as they began to file to the room they had hoped to avoid for at least a day.

Once in the room he left the door open and began to say something when Morgan interrupted.

"Hotch, man you're not serious. We're not going on a new case yet are we?" He sounded almost like a child.

"Really, we all need a break." Emily looked like a child putting out her bottom lip just slightly.

"What is this about, Hotch you almost seem happy to be torturing us?" Rossi was starting to become irritated and seemed on the verge of a tantrum.

"What's going on boss man?" Garcia looked around and sensed that this had nothing to do with a case.

"I asked you all to come in here because….." He was once again cut off.

"Asked? More like told." Morgan whined.

"We have a new member of the team." He smiled at their concern and then out of nowhere began to laugh.

"What the hell is so damn funny Hotch?" Morgan was just sleep deprived enough to ask.

"The look on your face Morgan." JJ said as she walked into the room carrying a blanket covered Liam.

"JJ" Garcia and Emily jumped up and ran to their friend but more importantly they ran to the baby in her arms.

"His name is Liam James Reid." She smiled at her team, knowing she was home.

Hotch smiled at her as he walked out of the room. "I'll be back in a few….paperwork."

* * *

His first instinct was to punch the security officer in the face but assaulting a federal employing wouldn't get him into the BAU and he couldn't risk not getting in. He needed the team to tell him where JJ was and how to get in contact with her, so as much as he wanted to knock the young guard on his ass he knew that discussing the issue was most likely the best approach. 

"Please you don't understand, I used to work at the BAU. I just need to talk to one of the teams." Reid was trying to control himself to not alarm the jumpy guard.

"Okay, sir, just tell me your name and I can call up there and get you access." The guard was obviously doing his best to sound official.

"Did I not already state that I couldn't tell you my name?" The sarcasm was spilling from his lips regardless of his best attempts.

"There is no reason to get upset, sir." The guard said as he clicked his radio on and off three times.

"You're calling for backup now? Jesus." At this point Reid ready to cry and for a split second was considering pulling his gun and forcing his way into the BAU.

The four security team members approached from behind him. The oldest member of the team had recently been promoted from his duties as the door guard.

"Dr. Reid is that you?" The stunned man asked.

"Yes." A relieved Reid replied.

"We all thought you were dead." The man stated as if Reid was unaware.

"I know. That's the way it needed to be. But now I really need to talk to Agent Hotchner." Reid had tears in his eyes.

"Yes sir, absolutely go right up." The guard looked to the others as if to say don't try to stop this man, there are things going on that are much more important than protocol.

Reid ran passed the elevators believing the stairs would be faster. He took them two at a time and for pictured Hotch and Morgan doing the same thing multiple times.

He burst through the stairway door like his life depended on it because in this moment his life did. He had to find her and discretion was not one of his top priorities. He realized his mistake as he looked at the shocked faces of the BAU.

"Umm….Ahhh….Well there is an explanation…It's complicated." He addressed the group from on top of the stairs aware that there was really nothing he could say to justify his return from the dead.

"He was on a deep cover assignment." Hotch addressed the group and saved him walking out of his office after hearing the commotion.

"Good to see you Reid." Hotch hugged him.

"Hotch where is JJ? Her neighbor said she had been gone for weeks and Elle she said that well….." He stopped talking when he saw her walk out of the conference room.

She stopped dead in her tracks and stared at him, wondering if he was in her head.

They met in the middle of the bullpen. Reid wrapped his arms around her and held her as if letting go meant forever and he had chosen to hold on to her for eternity.

"I'm so sorry JJ." Tears were running down his face and his voice was shaky.

"Shhh Its okay you're here now." She whispered only wanting him hold her.

"I missed you so much, JJ." He thought if he held her any tighter she might break.

"We missed you more." She smiled up at him loving the confusion in those sweet brown eyes that he now shared with Liam. "Would you like to meet Liam?"

"Liam…you named him Liam?"

"Of course I did Spence. His name is Liam James Reid."

"James means supplanter which means to take the place of and serve as a substitute for especially by reason of superior excellence or power…..not the time. May I meet our son now?"

"JJ turned and walked to Garcia who was holding Liam. "Thanks Garcia."

"No problem." Was her reply as she stepped back to the rest of the team who were standing watching as Reid saw his son for the first time.

The boy was long and thin but healthy. His hair was so light it resembled snow and his eyes were the color of coffee and cream. Reid held him like he had held babies his entire life.

"Marry me." It was more a statement than anything else and in that moment the entire team knew that in the past year the Reid they had known had grown into a man that they would have to get to know. A man that said what he wanted and right now what he wanted was his family back.

**AN-Well what do you think? I have at least one more chapter planned but if you like this as the end I'll leave it here. PLEASE R+R it makes me happy and gives me ideas of where you the reader would like this to go and since I write for you that is helpful.**


	18. Chapter 18

"I can't pretend that nothing happened. I just can't Reid." JJ looked up at him with tear filled eyes.

"I'm not asking you to. I'm asking you to understand that this was not my choice and that I would have given anything to be with you. That I still will." Tears streamed down his face as he realized he was losing everything he had never really had to begin with.

"What am I supposed to do Reid pretend that you weren't gone? That I didn't cry myself to sleep? That I didn't feel your baby in me and wish that you were there to hold my hand? Am I just supposed to pretend that nothing happened?" Her words were like razors cutting his soul.

"We could start over?" He was pleading and crying and he knew that this was the strongest he had ever been. Weakness was far away from him in his quest to love her.

"And I am I supposed to forget that you walked away?"

"JJ I had no choice."

"You did the night you _died _you had a choice then. And you chose to leave me crying on my stoop." She stood and walked into the bullpen.

**AN- I know this is very short but it is a segway to the next Chapter. I hope you all like it and will review as I am more likely to update when I get reviews--they really make writing more fun, and they motivate new chapters. I am also sorry for the delay in updates on this story. It is almost done and I will post again soon.**

**PLEASE R+R**


	19. Chapter 19

The knock on the door told JJ that he was there. She had not wanted him to come but knew better than to tell him that. He would have come quicker had he known that he was not wanted. She knew that Reid had called him; it was the only reason he was at the door now and that made this all so much harder. Knowing that Reid had called him, that he had nowhere else to turn, knowing that he no longer turned to her even if that is the way she had wanted it made the hurt that much more unbearable.

"Coming." JJ yelled as she picked up a wiggling Liam. "It's time for you to met Grandpa Gideon." She whispered to the child who looked so much like his father that she sometimes wondered if he had any of her DNA.

"May I come in?" Gideon smiled at her, but it was his sad smile. She had seen it countless times on cases when they had caught the unsub and the families could move on knowing that the person would never again be free and knowing that their loved one would never again be.

"Yes." She walked back into the kitchen with him following behind. "Gideon this is Liam," She handed the baby to him as she moved to the coffee maker. "That's your grandpa Gideon, Liam. Your daddy and him are best friends." She looked at Gideon to see if she was correct.

"JJ can we talk about this? About Reid?" Long ago the team had made a pact not to profile each other or pry into each other's lives.

"What is there to say?" JJ looked almost broken to the old profiler.

"Do you love him?" He asked in his all knowing Gideon way.

"I can't remember a time when I didn't love him"

"Then why are you here with me when you obviously should be talking to him?"

"Can you watch Liam? Thanks Gideon." She grabbed her keys and left before he could protest.


	20. Chapter 20

"Damn it Spence answer your phone." The ringing seemed endless as JJ drove around Quantico is no particular direction. Hanging up she dialed Garcia knowing the computer Goddess would have a better idea where he was.

"You have reached the supreme Goddess of all things electronic." Garcia quickly answered.

"It's JJ I need to find Reid." The niceties and formalities would take far too long for JJ to deal with at the moment.

"Well sweetie that's an easy one he's staying with me and Morgan."

"Thanks Garcia…wait…we'll talk about that little piece of info you just let slip later okay?" JJ smiled to herself.

"Sure Jayje…Morgan's place." Garcia smiled glad that her friend had picked up on the hint to her newly developing romance.

"Thanks Garcia."

The knocking on the door woke Reid from a fitful sleep filled with images of drugs, Hankle and JJ walking away.

"Ah… Coming… hang on." Reid walked to the door, opening it without hesitation.

"Hi." Before him stood JJ half smiling but looking more like she wanted to cry. "Can we talk?"

"Of course. Ah come in." he stepped aside to allow her to enter.

"I need to say something and I need you to just listen without saying anything and I know that that is going to be hard for you but I really just need to say it. Do you think you can do that just sit there and let me say what I need to?" She rambled as he longed to reach out and touch her hair to pull her close and feel her against him to allow his lips to brush up against hers and forget all that had torn them apart.

"Yes" he could feel his heart racing and the stinging in his eyes told him that when she said goodbye he would never stop crying.

"Spence, I'm not sure where to start and somehow the beginning seems like the wrong place. I miss you so much it literally hurts. Sometimes when I close my eyes I can still feel your arms around me. I still hear your laugh when the team is joking around and sometimes when I wake up for a split second I think I can smell you as if you had slept beside me and then I wake a little more and its like it is the moment I lost you all over again. I still wonder how this all happened and how to go on without you. And when I do when I think of my life without you it feels like I've had the wind knocked out of me. It's hard to breathe without you, Spencer. I don't wanna."

For the first time she looked up to meet his eyes that were now filled with tears.

"JJ…"

"No. Let me finish. I don't even know you anymore Spence you're this man that I can't picture myself without and I don't even know you. But I want to Spence. Please I know that I was awful to you but I need you to forgive me…I need you to love me"

"I do JJ. I do love you. And you're I am different but I'm not a stranger. And JJ I need to love too."

"Please don't ever leave me again Spence." Her eyes were pleading.

"I will do everything in my power to spend the rest of your life with you…Marry me?" This time it was very much a question.

"Yes, Spence I will marry you…but first we need to get to know each other again."

"So a long engagement it is then." He smiled at her. It was a smile she had longed to see for so long that for an instant she hesitated not wanted the image to disappear. When she could no longer wait she leaned in and captured his lips with hers.

"I love you JJ."

"I love you too, Spence."

**AN- Hey there thanks for reading! Well it has been quite a while huh? Yeah I know I was really stuck for awhile...and lazy too! There is one more chapter at least... just to wrap things up. **

**So do you guys wanna know what happened to Elle? About the wedding? About Morgan and Garcia? Gideon's babysitting skills? Or maybe if Hotch will ever ask Prentiss out...maybe to the wedding? Let me know what you want and I will try to accommodate you all, challenge me okay? **

**Thanks for reading PLEASE R R**


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